Bras

Now I know this is a bit strange sounding but please stay with me on this:


I was on the train this week and had to go to London for some meetings. I was working hard on my laptop, attempting to get the 3g card to work for more than 30 seconds at a time.

At Reading, a large young lady placed herself none too gracefully in the spare seat next to me, thus pinning me against the window.

I managed to ignore her in true British style but I did manage to note the items on the tray table in front of her:

1. Large chocolate chip muffin.

2. Ipod

3. Phone

4. Romantic novel.

She took a while to settle, eat the muffin, lick all the chocolate off her fingers (I am not joking) and then turn her attention to the Ipod.

She placed the earpieces in her ears, selected the playlist and then, to my shock, pulled her dress away from her body and placed the ipod in her BRA. She then did the same with her phone on the other side.

Now I don't want you to get the idea that I was watching her every move but I was shocked to the core when I saw out of the corner of my eye what she was doing.

Later on she started a very loud phone chat with some mate to whom she said "CAN I TELL YOU A SECRET?" (Imagine here the whole carriage silently willing the person at the other end to say "no"). "I SPENT £500 ON CLOTHES THIS MONTH AND I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH ON WINE AND OTHER BOLL**CKS".

Classy.

I tell you no lie that I saw her at the Burger King stand at Paddington.

TTF

Limping

One of the things I have been doing over recent months is running. This is an attempt to stave off the lardy appearance and actually be slightly fit.

Sadly I have been running so hard that my right knee is giving me some proper pain which makes running for the train a bit of a challenge. You see I've been falling into the trap of assuming the train will always be a minute or 2 late at the station even though they leave soooo much time for us to get to our destination.

This morning I was just pulling in to the car park as the train was pulling in to the platform.

A very ungainly hobble on to the platform was followed by a round of applause from my fellow passengers.

TTF

Ouch

So, on the train outside Oxford I was waiting in the queue of people to get off the train and the woman in front of me had one of those wheelie trolley overnight bag things.

We'd be standing there for a couple of minutes and then, without explanation, she let go of her bag and it toppled over smacking me in the goolies.

Of course one makes light of the situation but it really hurt...

Many bad words uttered under my breath.

TTF

When we caught up with time

I was slighted vexed to note this morning that my train was to be 16 mins late. I checked this before I even left the house. This was due to an "unstable track bed due to flooding in South Wales."

And so I made my way to the station feeling slightly pressured as I had to leave for a client meeting fairly soon after arriving at the office.

But by the time we arrived at Reading, we had made up ALL the time we had been late by and in fact arrived early.

Collyn was clearly delighted by this and made us all fully aware of the fact we'd caught up! Now I was very pleased but it did point out one thing to me.... What a nonsense the time table is. Given the fact that the train arrived 16 mins late and arrived 1 min early, the train could depart at 7:29am thus allowing me to stay in bed until about 6.30am

It's just not fair. I want to stay in bed longer.

TTF.

Nearly.....

I humiliated myself properly this morning.

I decided to take the 4x4 to the station on account of all the rain and the forecast floods, disaster and general pestilence. This car doesn't go as fast and I left late to get to the station.

Also, in my haste, I managed to overshoot one of my turnings thus delaying myself further.

The praying that was going on was only punctuated by the screeching tyres as I took another corner a bit quick in order to get to the station - Sarah Kennedy (Radio 2) informed me that it was 7.13am already. My train departs at 7.12 so I thought I'd had it....

So you can imagine my suprise when I screamed in to the station car park and saw the train still there...!

I parked badly, grabbed my bags and ran like the wind. And then the car wouldn't lock properly so I had to go back. And then run again.. As I made it on to the platform, unbelievably, the train was still there! Up the steps I went, running as if through water shouting the immortal words at the top of my voice "wait for me! Wait for me". And he did.

I saw the highly efficient, much respected and frankly wonderful train manager. He looked at his watch, then at me with his finger hovering over the "LOCK ALL DOORS" button. I ran towards him and said as I approached:

"You are a beautiful man".

He smiled and let me on. And we left on time (according to his watch).

Managed to leave my phone in the car and didn't get a car park ticket either... Ooops.

The Black Box

The train was about to leave this morning and I heard the doors lock. This was followed by some pleading sounds and the stern response of Collyn the train manager.


Apparently he was unable to re-open the doors for the late running passenger because if he did, "the information would be recorded on the black box and I'd have to explain why I'd opened the doors and made the train late".


I didn't know that trains have black boxes as well. It seems that whatever they do, the train staff will be called to account.

Shame it's not really their fault but that of their management / Network Rail when things go wrong.


Small comfort for the lady left on the platform but I do understand poor Collyn's dilemma. Over the last year and a half, this train has taken longer and longer to reach destination.

Therefore any departure from the time timetable (aka List of Suggestions) is definitely going to bring all kinds of grief down on Collyn.


I imagine that FGW must have this list Gestapo like department who diligently download all the data from the trains and look for any problems and mistakes. This information must then be passed up the line to the enforcement staff who probably take Collyn aside at the next opportunity and beat him with sticks..


That's why he has a limp.

A Right Royal Green Dressing Down

Arrived at station this morning to be greeted by the Royal Green Jacket.

Today is Friday so I am wearing my "dress down" clothes - funky jeans, Gap
shirt, v-neck jumper and some brown boots.

In my humble opinion, flirting with cool but not too much.. RGJ said to me "Is this what it's come to? Dress down Friday."

I know he was baiting me so we went on and had a conversation about the disastrous Trinny and Suzannah.
Apparently Suzannah used to go out with Prince Andrew in her younger days and her family were (I quote RGJ here) "very disappointed that she didn't bag the catch".

How does he know these things...

All this is alleged and there is no proof for any of the above.